"Not laughing is laughing but for pussies." - Anthony Jeselnik

"I think women who think size doesn't matter are shallow." - Stewart Francis

"I bought some powdered water but I don't know what to add to it." - Steven Wright

"Italians, slanty little eyes. oh sorry - italics." - Milton Jones

"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall." - Mitch Hedberg

"I broke a mirror in my house and I’m supposed to get seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five." - Steven Wright

"Yes, today will be the day Donald Trump will be sworn in... continuing his long tradition of evicting black families." - Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

"Little Boy Blue - He needed the money." - Andrew Dice Clay

A faggot is someone who won't go downtown with you to beat up the queers." - George Carlin